crush

stilted would appear to be the theme of the day. how can you look forward to someone so much, and then find yourself searching vainly for subjects

i feel this strange coldness, a detachment from myself, from this life which is so lonely right now. i know i am selfish to want him when i cannot make him happy, but oh, God, I feel as if my future is darkening before me, a future when i will have to live each day knowing he belongs to someone else one who is oh so fortunate. i wish her well; my pain is not her doing, but it is just.so.hard to bear.

i wish i could leave; leave so finally and so suddenly that it would be a clean break. to not see you or hear from you. to be busy with new places, new people, to not have enough time to reflect on that aching hollow in my heart, until it has healed without my realising. but the nights, the nights; i would start awake from a dream in which a name echoed down the dark corridors of my thoughts, and as i clawed my way back out of the deepest reaches of my mind
i would know, run though i may, that there would be a face, a voice, a memory following me, waiting for me in the lonely spaces of life, until they are filled by another warm, comforting presence, which i have hoped for so hard, so long, that that hope is a habit with me now. hope, rather than the reality.