empty nights

this was me in 2003. suddenly i remember that night, that palm tree again.

lost
________________________________________ ________


The palm tree
is gone
and the night air
hangs still.
if not for sodium glare and neon flicker
the stars would shine brighter.
Yesterday
it was full moon
somewhere far away
people craned their necks to see earth catch moon
and for one moment
the stars ruled the skies.
Tonight
the moon chases us
down slim tar roads
so bright that its reflected glory
shimmers and refracts off the window-glass.
Tonight
there will be no palm-fronds to
give voice to the passing breezes
they lie graceless
severed and withering
beneath denuded trunk and golden moon.

crush

stilted would appear to be the theme of the day. how can you look forward to someone so much, and then find yourself searching vainly for subjects

i feel this strange coldness, a detachment from myself, from this life which is so lonely right now. i know i am selfish to want him when i cannot make him happy, but oh, God, I feel as if my future is darkening before me, a future when i will have to live each day knowing he belongs to someone else one who is oh so fortunate. i wish her well; my pain is not her doing, but it is just.so.hard to bear.

i wish i could leave; leave so finally and so suddenly that it would be a clean break. to not see you or hear from you. to be busy with new places, new people, to not have enough time to reflect on that aching hollow in my heart, until it has healed without my realising. but the nights, the nights; i would start awake from a dream in which a name echoed down the dark corridors of my thoughts, and as i clawed my way back out of the deepest reaches of my mind
i would know, run though i may, that there would be a face, a voice, a memory following me, waiting for me in the lonely spaces of life, until they are filled by another warm, comforting presence, which i have hoped for so hard, so long, that that hope is a habit with me now. hope, rather than the reality.

peace

peace, knowing that there are higher things. raise your mind to what is real, what is true, what will last forever, and trust Him to bring you through this. revelations, the leaves of the trees for the healing of souls.

this blessed time of year.

amen.

realization

i am a fool, i know. i would give it all up in a moment to be swept away in this with you, but the emotion of a stolen happiness is temporary. being in love is all ups and downs. like a crack high. the addicts continue because the need for those ups, the memory of them, obscures the despair of the downs. the body has no physical memory of pain. that's why women can have babies. or to live life on an even keel? life plods by day by day. no pain, but no

miraculous moments of joy
when you are fulfilled
and you know that this is where you are meant to be.

and that is my choice to make. oh to fling it all away and tread those treacherous cliffs. to fall off regardless of consequences. but, but, none of us are truly masters of ourselves.

bittersweet

life is moving on without me, and i am trying to snatch my future from the wind.

and this is because

because you were the first one who ever bought me anything, do you believe that

because you remind me of the smell of suntan lotion and everything is possible

because you didn’t have to try too hard to understand

because you are silly and sensitive and so very irritating sometimes

because you knew the names of stars and my childhood games

because you are what could have been but will never be

because we are terribly old, painfully young, frustratingly wise.