through the woods

"Somewhere along the line I knew there'd be girls, visions, everything; somewhere along the line I knew the pearl would be handed to me."

jack kerouac, on the road.

brilliant in places, always rushing breathlessly on in search of the next thrill. relentless, spare-yourself-not hedonism. yes hedonism can be a duty. but i don't connect with the beat generation, their concepts, ideals, morals, i don't see the pleasure in the things they did and i don't understand their philosophy, perhaps that's why i don't get the greatness of this book, i am about two (or three) generations down the line from beat and all it stood for. but words, strung together in perfect polished sequence, always move me. and that's why it's brilliant in places.

on another note, there are silver sequins from the top i wore to last night's party all over the floor, trodden into the dark-blue-mottled-with-dirty-pink matted fibre that is my room carpet. i tried to think of a word to describe its texture and colour and what came to mind was 'tweed'.

bits of light, bits of shattered innocence and ideals winking out regretfully at me from the dull corrupted tissue of pretence and disappointment that i am caught up in. can i pick them up one by one and fit them together lovingly back, each to its own original place, sew them on tightly and those ideals and hopes will never drift away from me while i'm distracted by flashes of glamour from a world that i was not made for and which i cannot live in. sew them on and wait patiently and maybe they will drift back together and take shape and i will have my old life back again.

but i'm conflicted, is that what i really want? i want my old life with something added. yes that something.

starbucks caramel frappucino at 11pm, the feel of the car veering round that bend on the kesas highway after the subang exit at 110 km/h as i take my foot off the accelerator and let it gain momentum, controlling it by just a finger on the rim of the wheel. shopping for branded bargains in 1u. movies movies whenever i want. high heeled strappy sandals and swingy skirts.

sequins have holes through their hearts.